Two years ago.....

Two years ago today (December 18, 2011).....I can honestly say I don't remember EXACTLY what I was doing.

I would imagine I was probably working in San Angelo....providing anesthesia for someone who needed surgery.  I was probably counting down the hours for when I could "clock out" and get back home to Chris.  I was probably looking over Christmas lists and grocery lists....wondering how I was going to get it all done before Christmas.

We were in the middle of our first December back in Texas.  Our first December with Chris as the music director at St Luke's UMC.  Our first December...where the season not only brings joy and thanksgiving, but also a new-found stress and anxiety that comes with being in ministry during this wonderful time of the year. 

On December 18, 2011, I had no idea....that a very special event was taking place.  I had no idea that what was going on in a hospital in the next town over....was going to change our lives forever.  I had no idea that my son was being born!

No....I wasn't there the day he entered into this world.  No....I didn't hold him on my chest right after he took his first breath.  No...Chris and I didn't gaze into each other's tear filled eyes as he cried his first cry.  No...I don't have floods of pictures from the moments directly after his birth.  And sometimes, I feel a sense of morning, or loss....that I wasn't able to experience this moment with my son.

But....on the day Cristian entered into this world, God was preparing my mind and soul to realize He had plans for our lives, and these plans included a very special child.  And as Cristian was laid on his birth mom's chest, God was already growing and stretching my own heart within my chest....to be ready to love this little miracle that would enter our lives.  And as others were there to hear his first cry, I spent much of Christmas crying tears of longing and anticipation....because I knew that God needed us to go beyond what was comfortable and safe.  He needed us to love one of His children that we did not yet know, but for whom we had prayed for many years.

It was during the family Christmas Eve service 2 years ago....6 days after Cristian was born, that God spoke to me....through the families taking communion.  He told me that there was a child....a child that would need us.  He told me that a child would enter our lives, change us forever, and make our family whole.

William Cristian Vaught...my Christmas miracle, I love you!  I've loved you and prayed for you long before you entered this world.  And even though I was not there on this day 2 years ago,  please know always....that you hold my heart forever!  Happy 2nd Birthday little man!   I'm honored and humbled that God chose me to be your momma! I love you!

Santa, Cookies, and A Baby in a Manger!!!

It's that wonderful time of the year....when all is merry and bright!  Some folks love the summer holidays, or maybe....they go all out for Halloween, but for me....it's Christmas!  Christmas is that holiday....where the traditions run deep, and the memories are fresh! There will always be those years that ring loudly in my memory....where my mind paints vivid pictures.

I remember many of the A-MAAZ-ING Christmas productions/ pageants....some of which took place in our very living room!

 

I remember decorating the tree each year....placing each special ornament in it's own place on the tree.

I definitely recall....it was my job, EVERY YEAR....to put out the Nativity.  I sometimes spent many minutes getting it "just right!"

Who doesn't love making Christmas cookies....or at least eating the raw cookie dough!

Posing for Christmas card "photo shoots"....

And of course.....the infamous Santa photos!!

Now....fast forward to December 2013!!  We are spending our very first Christmas, as the VAUGHT family....family of FOUR!  My children are so young....Cristian will be two next week (December 18th) and Scarlett will be 6 months old at the end of the week (December 15th).  They do not yet understand or grasp the concept of Christmas, and they definitely don't know about family "traditions".

It's caused me to spend some time in thought!  What traditions will our family start?  What will become the memories that my kids will write about one day in a blog of their own?  What will the elements of a "Vaught Family Christmas" be....that makes it special and unique?

It's easy to get caught up in all the "Pintrest-ness" of the season.  Let's make this craft!  OMG...we have to wrap our presents just like this...with these awesome home-made gift tags.  Should we get an ELF...name him Spunky....and dangle him from the ceiling fan in army fatigues?  What about the food???  Seriously?  I can't even handle all the delicious, new and exciting food options out there tempting me at every turn.  Of course....let's not forget the various AWESOMENESS of creative Christmas photo shoots (see previous post on photo shoots!)

I can be one to get a little over-whelmed....wanting to keep up with the "new and creative"!  But, I think I've come to a realization.  Our traditions will be OUR traditions.  Sure, there will be ideas out there that we might try....or things that I will "wish" we had done.  But...there will be no other Christmas like ours....because it will be just that....OURS!  And it will be wonderful, and blessed, and chaotic, and full of love!

There are a few things I know for sure....

We will decorate the tree and place each ornament in its own special place!

We will pose with Santa!

We will bake lots and LOTS of goodies!

We might even try to pose for Christmas Card photos!  Nah....probably NOT!

But, most importantly, we will talk a lot....during the whole month of December, reinforcing and reminding ourselves, that love began in a manger.  We will celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, the only son of God, whom He sent to Earth to save each and every one of us.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

 



Luke 2:9-14

 

An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."  Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,  "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Reconnecting....It's a beautiful thing!!

She was small....beautiful....amazing!  She was love....hope....joy.....all wrapped into one little bundle.  She was our first!  Our first foster child....our first call to parenting.....our first of God's children to love.

Her name....Cambryn (although we called her "nugget" in social media land)!  She stayed with us only three weeks....but our hearts were forever emblazed with her mark.  She taught us what it meant to love....like God loves (or try to!).  To love unconditionally....to love boldly and with reckless abandon!  She put stretch marks all over our hearts....stretch marks that have never gone away.

We have prayed for her daily.  We've asked God to please assure her safety.   We've prayed that she is loved deeply.  We have prayed that she is being raised in a Christian home where she will know the love of God and be taught to be a beautiful woman of faith.

But since that day.....July 17th, 2012, when Cambryn left our home....there has been a lack of peace.  A concern....a discomfort and uncertainty that has haunted us.  She was picked up and taken away in a flash....just as quickly as the day she was dropped off.  It was painful....probably one of the most painful days of my life.  And even in our joy....as we continued our journey into parenthood....the pain remained!  Where is she?  How is she?  Will we ever know?  Please dear God...let her know love!

WELL.....I can now say....WE KNOW!!  She is safe!  She is loved!  She is being raised to know she is a precious, amazing child of God....a gift that was wonderfully made!

Through the amazing reach of "Facebook Arms"....we have been able to be connected with Cambryn's parents! Through a chance and bizarre crossing of paths.....my cousin discovered that she knows the awesome couple that adopted Cambryn.  She was taken from our home....and placed in their loving arms.  And now...we have been connected!  A connection that can only be God designed... divinely orchestrated! 

Thank you dear heavenly Father....for your love!  Thank you for your promise of a new day.  Thank you for your peace!  May we be pleasing to you as we take up the call to love your children.

Perfection! Or Maybe Not!

So....two weeks ago, we had a little family photo shoot.  I was so ridiculously excited about this...I can hardly put it into words.

I went on the hunt for the perfect outfits....met with an amazing photographer....planned the day out with great precision.  I had conjured up in my mind what our "perfect" little family was supposed to look like and how this photo shoot was supposed to go down. 

We would have great documentation of our lives....right now....as we are currently living them. Smiling....laughing.....playing....enjoying each other!  Everyone would see the cherubic faces of my two littles. A person would be able to see the love between Chris and I....and our devotion to not only one another, but also to our amazing children.  Scarlett would smile on cue....even though she is only 3 1/2 months old. Cristian would pose and flirt with the camera....making everyone's hearts melt.  It was going to be an amazing day! 

In my distorted, small mind...I actually thought my expectations were grounded and realistic!

Well...much to my surprise....I WAS SADLY MISTAKEN!  And...for a brief moment, I was devastated!

Seriously....I wanted this to go perfect!  I NEEDED this to go perfect!  I've waited and prayed for this perfect family for sooooo long....and I looked at this opportunity to document our "perfection" as a gift.

PERFECT.....to be completely free from faults or defects! (Webster)

It was an outside shoot (by my choosing)....it was 98 degrees outside (not my choosing)...and we were dressed in fall attire.  Scarlett had sweated through her outfit before we even got her out of the car!

We stopped at water fountains first!  FIRST!  Good plan....NOT!  Cristian was AWESOME there...carefree....loving throwing acorns into the fountain.  Then.....came the time to change locations.

CUE melt down!  He wouldn't smile....he wouldn't get on the bench....he wouldn't cooperate.  He would cry....he would throw his water bottle down in anger.....he would become a limp noodle and refuse to walk.  It was....NOT PERFECT!

Our amazing photographer says..."I think we've shot enough for today.  I don't want him to hate me or coming to my studio.  We pushed him far enough."  

I was heart-broken.  There is NO way she could have captured anything that resembled happiness, joy, and love in this photo shoot.  I'm not even sure I want to come back and look at them.  And in her reassuring, calm voice....Angie says "I think you will be surprised.  It will be journalistic....not posed.  But, I think you will be surprised.  And...it is capturing you as you are....NOW.  Where you are now!  What your family looks like....NOW."

So, I had three days to ponder that.  Where are we now?  Some days, I don't even know.  But what I do know is...we are a family brought together by God.  We are answered prayers.  We are love and nurturing, crazy and zany, frustration and confusion, patience and forgiveness, growing and learning, faithful and devoutly HIS.....all wrapped into one big "PERFECT" happy family of four!

PERFECT: Having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics.  (Webster)

I had lofty expectations....set too high.  Unrealistic!  And...because of that, I missed out on being in the moment!  I missed out on just loving us....right where we are....right NOW!  I missed out on noticing that we have all the required, desirable elements and characteristics; therefore meaning: we are "perfect"!

An important lesson learned! A lesson that will shape our family for many years to come!

And guess what....Angie got some GREAT photos as well! Of course....I'm only sharing the "perfect ones"....but take a look!

 A-MA-ZING!!!!!

Thank you Angie at Studio 1401 by Angela Free for your patience, kindness, and amazing work!  The Vaught family are HUGE fans!





Mommy See-sawing!

So....there is this thing.  I've dubbed it "Mommy See-Sawing".  And it goes a little something like this!

When you decide to embark on the land of parenting, you are faced with great anticipation (whether naturally or through fostering or adopting....it's all the same!). It's like waiting to get on the see-saw at the park when you were a kid. You know that you are going to go up and down....and up and down.  Constant movement....with that feeling in your stomach as you rise and fall.  No surprises....nothing unexpected.  It's a little bit up....and a little bit down.....but constantly moving.

Well, then it's your turn.  You get on your side of the see-saw and you start out....up and down, up and down....uuuppppp and dooooowwwwnnnn.  THEN....this happens!!!

You are on the up side....being held in the sky!  Wind blowing through your hair....a beautiful view....it's amazing!  You are quite aware that you must come down!  However....you sure do enjoy it while you are being lifted and held up....so high in the sky.

Then, the kid you are see-sawing with has to go....so you let him off and another kid gets on.  She is littler than you....light as a feather.  You begin to see-saw.....and you find your butt STUCK IN THE SAND!

She's up....and there you are, sitting on the ground where you feel like you are embedded into the Earth below you.  It may take shovels, large equipment and a crew of several large men to get you out.  This is not NEARLY as much fun as it was when you were hoisted way up in there air and you want off!

When I started having that feeling....that I was riding a see-saw through motherhood, I felt a little guilty.  How could I not be enjoying every minute of this ride?  I mean....I've been gifted with two amazing gifts.  I've been entrusted to love and nurture two of God's most precious creations.  I should be loving this ALL the time. 

But the reality is....sometimes I feel stuck in the sand.  Sometimes, my butt is so heavy on the one end of the see-saw....that I'm not sure why I got on in the first place.  I get frustrated....I get tired....I get a sense of longing for the life that once existed....PRE-CHILD!

And then, I see this
 

Or watch this

Or read this
 

Behold, children are a gift from Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.  Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth.  How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; they will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.  Psalm 127:3-5

And I suddenly find myself lifted.....back up in the air....hoisted high in the sky with that amazing view and awesome breeze.  The times when you breathe in the smell of their skin....watch the shallow, rhythmic rise of their chest while they sleep...or get overwhelmed by the smile that greets you when you get home from work (they don't know if your day was good or bad).

I think I can honestly say that I love and appreciate being on this "Up" end of the see-saw sooooo much more because of the times when I was stuck in the sand on the "Down" end.  It was during those times that I sought God in prayer.  It was during those times that I asked for guidance, patience, wisdom.....but also, praised Him in thanksgiving that I had been honored with the responsibility to parent two of His children (even when it's so hard!).

Enjoy the see-saw fellow parents.....BOTH sides of the see-saw!  I know....you just want to roll off into the sand when you are stuck on the "Down" side and let the little girl on the "Up" side fall!  I ABSOLUTELY get it!  And if you must....roll off and walk away for a bit.  But, then dust your butt off and get back on the See-saw.....because this God-gifted ride is about to hoist you RIGHT BACK UP!

Beautiful day...THREE WEEKS AGO!

Well, to say I have been a slacker would not be entirely correct, BUT....if the shoe fits, I guess I will wear it! That is as long as they are not heels...I hate heels!

Honestly, some part of me thought...ok, the adoption is over, the chaos is done, the uncertainty and fear has come to an end.....which means what?  I'm going to have so much time and energy to do great things....organize/ clean my home, start meal planning, blog about new/fresh stuff, read a book for pleasure, and of course, be the most amazing mom/wife my kids and husband have ever seen.

Well....NONE of that is happening.  Everything just sped up....we got busier, we over-committed, and we jumped on a crazy train.  But....I'M LOVING IT - most days! (see upcoming blog entry on that topic!)

I, did however, not want one more single day to go by without a brief re-cap of that AWESOME day 3 weeks ago....

AUGUST 19, 2013

The day we adopted WILLIAM CRISTIAN VAUGHT

The morning started off with Cristian and I heading to the dentist!  It would be the last time EVER I would have to carry this bad boy along with me!

The dreaded foster child paperwork binder

You see, as a foster parent with a foster child in your home....you have to do an onslaught of paperwork for everything you do...every day, every medicine, every appointment, every time you go out of town, every time you go to the park.....CONSTANT paperwork.  But after today....tat would be no longer!

Then, we were off to the church for a brunch that some awesome friends decided to put on for us before heading to court.  To say we have an amazing support system would be an understatement.  It is hard for me to explain the feeling I get when I think of the support (both from family and our family by choice)....so overwhelming.  Chris and I made a prayerful choice to enter the world of foster care - a world of uncertainty, frustration, heartache.....but also a world of joy, growth, and amazing unbridled love.  The family and friends that have been along for this ride.....they did not sign up for this.  This was not their journey....it was not their call.....it was not their plan. 

Or was it???  I have no doubt that God placed us right where we were supposed to be for this ministry....with people that He called to be along side us on the journey.  And for each and everyone of them....I'm eternally grateful!  They have loved and prayed for Cristian...since day one....everyday.....just like he was already "one of theirs".  But I guess...in all honestly, he was already "one of theirs" because we are all HIS.  Thank you....that is all this mama can say!  THANK YOU!

Here are some pictures from the brunch with family and friends!

Us with the St Luke's Staff!

Then, we all loaded up and headed to Odessa to the courthouse.  The entire church staff boarded the church bus...in matching "TEAM TANK" shirts and met us there.

This is what our court room looked like once we all filed in and took our seats.

The next 20 minutes were simply the most amazing, heart-warming minutes one could ever have....especially in a courtroom!  :-)  Chris and I both had to take the stand to speak about our life with Cristian and our love for our little guy.  Information was presented to let the judge know....that not only were we suitable for the parenting of Cristian, but WE were the right ones....the ones chosen by God (according to our lawyer) to love and parent Cristian.  One of the most fun, coolest moments....which unfortunately, could not be caught on camera....was when Chris was on the stand. Cristian hopped right out of my lap, marched right up the stairs to the stand, and climbed into Dada's lap.  It was BEAUTIFUL!

Then, there was a moment when I was sure CPS was going to step BACK in and say....hold up, maybe NOT such a good idea!  Cristian was insistent on spending the final 5 minutes of the court hearing running in circles up the ramp and down the ramp....carrying a pen that he had been using to draw.  YIKES!  Yep that's us....great parents, providing a super safe home!  :-)

Anyway....the judge made it so...the paperwork was signed...and Cristian became William Cristian Vaught, our son...forever!

Here are some additional pictures of our moment in court

Our lawyer Shane Stokes and the Judge

Our Awesome Buckner Adoption Agency family

Us, Cristian, and his wonderful, loving grandparents!

What an amazing support system for this little guy....and for us!

It was a day that I will remember forever....a day we will celebrate every year.  August 19th....you have become one of my favorite days of all time! 



Dear Guilt....

Dear Guilt:

You came to visit me on Thursday.

I've never had a feeling like you overwhelm me like that before, and honestly, I would be just fine if our paths didn't cross again.  How dare you come in here and try to rain on my parade.....when I'm gearing up for one of the greatest days of my life.

Floods of emails, texts, Facebook post, phone calls....all voicing joy and elation for our upcoming adoption of "Tank" on Monday.  Each one....expressing excitement and sharing love and support as we embark on the final step of making our little family "court official".

Guilt...were you jealous? Because on Thursday afternoon, you crept your way in...invading my mind and grasping my heart in a vice causing it to gasp for air.

Am I doing exactly what I said I never wanted to do....becoming a mom at the expense of another mom?  Guilt...you made me feel like I was heartless....ripping this child away from his mother.  Taking him away from the life he was supposed to lead....one surround by his "REAL" family....real siblings, real mother.  I felt like a criminal...depriving a woman of her opportunity to love her child and give him the world.

Yes, I know....I did not "physically" take him away.  He was removed for his safety during a time when she couldn't provide a safe home for him.  But...now, does she have it together?  Has she found the source of strength to do right by her children?  The other four have been returned to her care....and she has since had another baby.  Why "Tank"....why is he the only one not left in place in that home? 

Guilt...you were strong on Thursday.

But...I'm a child too!  A child of a Father.....who loves and protects and guides me.  A Father who will never forsake me and will be with me always.

You didn't win guilt.  I committed no crimes!  I loved a child...one of the least of these, when I was asked to step in and love.  I followed a divine plan laid before me by God....the one who makes my path straight.  And I showed and continue to show support and compassion to a woman who is continuing to search for her way.  She knows of my love for her son...MY son.  And she is thankful!

So...I release you...GUILT!  Be on your way.  Because you have no place here!  This heart is full of LOVE and only love.

Prayer....does it matter?

If you've been reading at all, you know how I feel about prayer. 

One of my favorite prayer memories was on a morning last June 2012.  It was shortly after we became licensed as foster parents.  I was driving in the early hours one morning on my way to work (which is one of my favorite times to be in prayer).  I looked ahead of me in the sky...and saw a scene much like this....

I began to pray to God...on those two stars.  I prayed for the children that would come into our home.  I prayed for safety in their current situations....unknown to me, but known to God.  I prayed that Chris and I would be ready to provide a loving, stable home to these children.  I prayed for those children by name....God's Will and God's Grace.  If you were to ask me....if prayer really matters....I would think back on that morning and tell you....ABSOLUTELY!

We are currently doing a study in my Sunday school class centered around a book titled "Prayer...Does it Make Any Difference" by Philip Yancey.  I speak up often during class....trying to reaffirm those in the class that prayer does in fact matter.  I'm able to give examples in my own life...where without prayer, I would not have been able to gracefully and faithfully get through my days.  But...then, in the quiet of my own brain, I doubt.  I feel like a hypocrite....doubting the very premise that I speak about so often and with such confidence.

There are nights....when I lay awake, thinking about my life and its many blessings...but also thinking about all the hurt tied into foster parenting.  I can't stop myself from thinking about "Tank's" birth mother.  Does she pray?  Has she asked God to help her with her problem of addiction?  Does she feel that her prayers matter....as she sits alone pondering her life.  A life that includes a minimal support system which includes physical/ emotional abuse.  A life that includes substance abuse...which has become her source of comfort in difficult times.  A life that includes having all of her children removed from her home....because she was unable to provide a safe environment.  Tank's birth mom did not have her children removed because she didn't love them.  I have NEVER doubted her love for Tank.  She has led a life that I know nothing about....one that I can not even begin to relate to or understand.  And in this life, her demons were more than she could handle.  Or at least...more than she could handle alone.  Does she know there is a God....who is with her ALWAYS?  A God...through whom ALL things are possible!  Does she pray?  If she does....do her prayers matter?

Sometimes, I have dark days....when I wonder....in this life here on Earth, which is simply a speck in the universe, do my prayers....or Tank's birth mom's prayers matter? Two vastly different women...from two totally different environments....praying.  Is He listening to either one of us?  What if He had to choose....who to listen to?  We are both broken and we both need His continual love and grace. However, in the late of night, when my mind is running amuck...I think to myself that if He has to choose....I want Him to choose her.

But then....on a night like last night, when I'm rocking Tank before bed, and I say..."it's time for prayers buddy."  And without my demonstrating ....I see him do this

 

I'm reminded....again, by a 19 month old child....that God is listening.  He's listening to all of us.  He desires, with all His heart, to have a relationship with each of us.  Each of us are blessed...and each of us are broken!  And adult and child alike, He is listening for our prayers.  He wants to be in constant conversation with us because we matter!  Our prayers matter....and He is listening.