A Story of Three Fathers

Father's Day....the day we honor the fathers in our life.  The day we let those men know how extra special they are....how much we love them and appreciate them.  The day we say "Thank you for all you have been in my life, and for all you continue to be."

Today, I'm writing about three very special fathers...all of whom mean the world to me.

To the one that gave me life

 

On December 16th, 1975...I was born in San Angelo, Texas to Peter and Brenda Belocas.  Tamara Lynn Belocas they would name me....which would be my name sake until the day I married.  Peter John Belocas...you gave me life.....and my dark curly hair....and my dark expressive eyes.  You probably contributed to my bad genetics and love/ addiction to food (I won't hold you completely responsible).  You very likely contributed to my love for science and math and all things....education!

I wish I had the opportunity to know you....to know all the good, amazing things I've heard.  I wish I had been able to hear your voice....feel your touch....smell your skin.....know your heart.  Unfortunately, you left us too soon....tragically dying when I was only 3 months old.  So, those things were not able to happen.  But today....I want to say thank you.  Thank you for loving my mom.  Thank you for envisioning a life that included me in it.  Thank you for being the kind of man/ husband/ father....about whom people have wonderful things to say.  The kind of man that would make a daughter proud....even if she didn't get to know you. 

 

 To the one that taught me life

 



You took a chance!  You joined an insta-family!  You re-kindled a high school love with my mom...even though there was an additional "piece" to the puzzle.  You are the one that I call Dad, the only one I know as Dad.  I always hated explaining why we had different last names.  "He's my Dad....last name doesn't matter!"  That's all people needed to know really.  Why they questioned it...I don't know. 

You are the one that was always there....dance recitals, piano recitals, bad attempts at sports games (soccer, basketball), awards ceremonies.  You are the one that taught me about self-discipline and self-motivation and self-awareness.  To quote "Tammy...wherever you go...YOU will be there."  In other words....take a look at your life.  You are in control.  It is not your surroundings that make your life....it's what YOU do with YOUR life and the people in it.

I will be able to tell my adopted children...."Hey, I totally know and understand what it means and feels like to be loved unconditionally by a man whose genetics you don't share.  Whose blood doesn't pump through your body.  Who wasn't there on the day you were born.  Isn't it AMAZINGLY awesome to be loved that much!"

And now...to watch you with MY kids.  You are just simply....the best Poppie I could ever hope for my kids to know and love.

 





 



Thank you for taking a chance!  Thank you for loving me!  I love you.

 

To the one with whom I share life

 

My love...my soul-mate...my partner...my best-friend....my husband.  So many years, just you and me...me and you.  I knew from the way beginning the man of integrity I was so honored to be marrying.  I knew from the start that God had blessed me with a husband that had been taught by his father how to respect women, how to be the spiritual leader of the home, and how to love, unconditionally, the woman he was to marry. 

 

I did NOT know...nor did I ever imagine the type of father you would become.  Traveling down a path that for so many years....seemed as though it would not include the opportunity to be a father.  Who would have known that you....CHRISTOPHER LYN VAUGHT....would be this extraordinary.

You stepped up to the challenge of fatherhood in a way that many men are not capable.  You embraced a little boy (at the age of 8 months) with love and affection (often alone as a single dad while I traveled for work), and began the steps of molding and guiding him into a wonderful child of God.  He is learning from you....every day!  He sees how you treat his mommy.  He listens to you as you read...sing....pray with him.  He understands your strong leadership in our home and your reasoning for discipline.  I am so thankful that Cristian has you...his daddy...to be his guide and "person" in this life.

 



 

And for Scarlett....your little girl.  You were there the day she was born (tomorrow...one year ago!)....waiting in the waiting room for me to come share the joy with you.  She has you wrapped around her little perfect finger  Daddy's girl for sure!  The affection and pure, unbridled emotion I see in your face when you hold her is like nothing I've ever known.  You will be the one to whom she compares all other men.  You will be the one with whom she shares her fears.  Why???  Because you, my love, are her protector.  You are her father!!



 

I'm so in love....with watching you love our children.  Thank you for being you.  Thank you for being on the journey of parenthood with me.  Thank you for being the most amazing father I could ever hope to have along with me in this life.  I love you!

 

 

 

 

Rising Up During the Storm

So, this week has been anything but encouraging and uplifting.  In fact, I'm not sure I have had a week that tested my faith to this extent....since Cambryn (our first foster child) was removed from our home.  I was called last week (out of the blue) by an anesthesia group here in Midland that has a position available.  They wanted me to come interview!!  Now...for those that don't know, I have been unable to find full-time work in my own town since we moved here 2 1/2 years ago...so, this felt like a gift from God being handed right down out of the sky. 

However, my initial reaction was....let me talk to my husband and pray about it. I spent the first year here in Midland confused....wondering what my purpose was here.  I couldn't get work...and didn't feel like I had much purpose other than to be a supportive wife of a spouse in ministry.  I was lost, frustrated...and at times, depressed.  Then, began our whirl-wind trip down parenthood lane...and suddenly, God opened my eyes to his perfect plan.  Part-time work....full-time mommy!  AWESOME!  Additionally, I was really starting to have a strong pull at our church into additional ministries and outreach opportunities, and felt God was directing me to step up in these roles.  I love missions and outreach...so, it was perfect. 

So....when the full time job opportunity presented itself....I was like..."Ummm, God, give a girl a bone.  Is this what you want?"  After discussion, and prayer, and the support of husband, I decided to go for it.  A door had been opened, and Chris and I have always believed that you must walk through the door in order to discern God's plan.  Job interview went fine as far as I was concerned.  Felt fairly natural.....and comfortable.  "We are still interviewing and will call you in a week or so."  Well...the call came at 8am the next morning...and the caller said "You aren't the candidate we are looking for.  I'm sorry."

Well, for someone that wasn't even sure she was being led into full time work....I took this as an excruciating punch in the gut.  I pride myself on being an excellent practioner and a great co-worker who is dedicated, works hard, and is a shit-ton of fun to work with!!!  So...it felt personal!  And what made it feel even more personal???  This group of anesthesia providers kind of controls the rest of the employment opportunities in town....so now, I've essentially been black-balled from working in the town in which I live.  The wind was knocked from my sail....the storm had come in...and I felt like I was drowning.

But let me show you why I chose to believe in an amazing God....who makes my path straight!  Let me explain why I'm making the decision to praise Him and give Him thanks during this trial.  In the few short days since my interview and disappointing news, I have been reached via text, Facebook, devotional, and generalized reading with the messages I have re-captured for you below.  I was not searching for these words...I was not actively seeking encouragement or words to lift me up (in fact...quite the opposite).  These are simply the scheduled readings for my day....or a loving text....or someone else's post on Facebook.  He speaks (sometimes more loudly than we realize)....and we should listen!!!

My God.  In whom are all the springs of boundless love and grace unknown, hide me beneath Your spreading wings, til the dark cloud has blown over ~Prayer by Isaac Watts (Thanks mom...I love you!).

God NEVER stops building our faith. The day is coming when the things that scare you today will seem like no big deal.  ~Christine Caine (Thanks Hallie for this quote).

As I look back on my life, I realize that every time I thought I was being rejected from something good, I was actually being re-directed to something better. ~ Author unknown (Thanks for sharing Deborah!)

"The Lord is a refuge for the oppressed, a stronghold in times of trouble. Those who know your name trust in you, for you, Lord , have never forsaken those who seek you. "~Psalm 9:9, 10 NIV. (Thanks for reminding me of this great verse Shannon!)

This is difficult for us because we want the assurance not just of needs being met today, but we would like to know that tomorrow is going to be ok, and the next day too if we can.  Trusting in God, though, often involves placing the future in God's hands and taking hold of what God has for us today.  (From The God Story by Jacob Armstrong which is the Lenten study book we are reading at church).

Exert your will to trust Me in all circumstances. Don’t let your need to understand distract you from My Presence. I will equip you to get through this day victoriously, as you live in deep dependence on Me. Tomorrow is busy worrying about itself; don’t get tangled up in its worry-webs. Trust Me one day at a time. O Lord Almighty, blessed is the man who trusts in you.  ~Psalm 84:12 (From my devotional the day after I was told I didn't get the job).

I know you don't mean to be....but it is hurtful!

There is a new blog post going around right now...
You Shouldn’t Need A Reason For Not Having Kids | Thought Catalog

After reading this great blog post....I decided I wanted to weigh in on the subject.

While our life has undergone a drastic change, and we are now a family of four, and the parents of two beautiful children.....this was not always the case, nor was I even sure it would ever be the case.

After Chris and I got married, it was several years before we decided to take the plunge, and give infertility treatments a try.  We knew that growing our family through traditional means was going to be difficult, and there was even a chance of it being plain impossible.  It was a difficult, painful few years, and even though I was usually very open with folks about our journey....it was a private journey.

Prior to this decision....we spent the first 7-8 years of our marriage sans children.  And contrary to modern public belief, those years without children....and not trying to have children, were great!  We were not deprived....we were not sad....there was nothing missing!  We had chosen to be an amazing married couple....living a spectacular life.  However, despite our personal, PRIVATE decision to be "DINKS" (dual income no kids)....people felt the need to ask us about this decision.  They felt the need to question our choice....wanting reasons and rationales.  They often voiced un-solicited opinions....that included statements like:

"Oh...you guys need to get on it.  The time is now!"

OR

"What are you waiting on?  You will be awesome parents."  

OR

"Why would you NOT want to be parents."

Still, today, as a parent of two...I can not, for the life of me....understand WHY people would think this issue is their business.  Why would an individual think it their duty to question a couple's (or an individual's for that matter) decision to not have children?  Why would someone think it would be okay to infringe on a person's most personal and private part of their life?  I DON'T GET IT!

Now...let's move to the years following our painful journey known as "Infertility Treatments".  After many failed attempts, and several years of painful, heartbreaking disappointment....we made a very PRIVATE decision, as a couple, to stop treatments and embrace our life!  Embrace our life as a successful, happy married couple with other goals, dreams, and aspirations....that did not include children.  The questions from folks...once again, began to surface. 

"Why are you stopping?  Don't you want to be parents?"

OR

"Why don't you just adopt?  There are lots of kids that need to be adopted."

OR

"How can you just give up?  You need to be parents."

OR

"Don't give up on your dream.  Just go to Africa and get a kid."

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE???  In what other area of life.....would you think it would ever, EVER be ok to ask such personal questions.  Questions that re-open the wounds of failed fertility treatments.  Questions that bring forth embarrassment, guilt, shame, and sadness.  This is NOT OKAY! 

If there was such a thing as the "Sensitivity Police"....an officer would need to be called each and every time.  If a couple has made a decision to stop treatments...and has made a decision to embrace their life without kids....that is a decision they made after hours of emotional discussions and tears.  They did not come to this decision lightly, or without extensive consideration.  TRUST ME!  Handle these folks with utmost respect and sensitivity....as the wounds stay raw, even after years have passed.  Sometimes....even after they have been able to successfully grow their family.

Here is a suggestion....from one who has been there!  This is how the conversation should go:

Person:  So, do you guys have kids?
Couple:  Nope.
Person:  Cool.  So, how long have you lived in (enter city here)?

This is the honest truth....there are three reasons couples don't have children.  They can't have them....or they aren't ready to have them at this time....or they aren't interested in having them.  That simple!  Either way....it's a personal, PRIVATE issues....and you aren't aloud to ask WHY!

Do they see You in me?

I struggle with this question on a regular basis:

"Do they see YOU in me?"

 

 

 

Through the day to day....I know that many times.....they do not.  It's a hard statement to make, but I know that I do not reflect God's love and grace each and every day or with each and every encounter.

 

I'm hurried and in a rush.....often not taking the time to visit with the person behind me in line.  I am short and impatient....often to those that are closest to me.

 

I'm self-focused and self-absorbed....often not being present in the moment with those sitting right across from me at a table.

 

I am task oriented.....often not taking the time to look up and around to notice my surroundings or those in need around me.

 

I am a worrier.....spending too much time focusing on the "What if" or the "What now".

 

 

I recently had an anxiety provoking event.....that was temporarily crippling.  I let the devil come in....uninvited....to my new day.  But, I am proud to say, with God's grace and only through His strength....I was able to rise above, and hopefully, let God's light and love show through me.

I keep in contact with Mikki (Cristian's birth mom) via email.  We message back and forth every so often.  I send her encouragement that Cristian is healthy, happy, and loved.  I send her pictures and updates.  I let her know that I believe in her and that through God....she, too, is new every morning.

I have been very comfortable with this arrangement and correspondence, until last week..  I found out last Wednesday that Cristian's birth father is now out of prison....and that he and Mikki are planning to get married.  He had been in prison the entire time we were fostering Cristian, thus I have never met him.  Honestly, I never had to think about or be concerned with him.  Learning that he was out, and that he and Mikki are re-kindling their relationship caused me great anxiety.  Not because of any legal repercussion.....but, because the devil was planting seeds in my brain.  "What is this man capable of?"  "Will he come find us out of vengeance?  Is he angry and vindictive?"

 I began to feel overwhelmed with worry and concern....until I stopped.  I lost myself prayer and in the silence....and listened to God speak.  "Let them see Me."  So, as my anxiety began to dissipate and my heart began to soften....I reached out to Mikki.  I congratulated her and Jorge on their relationship and encouraged her to move forward with a Christ-centered relationship/ marriage.  I let her know of God's amazing love and that through him ANYTHING is possible. 

If not for my faith and the strength of God within me, I would not have been able to do this.  I would not have been able to let Mikki see Christ through me.  I continue to be humbled that God is using me in such a powerful way.  Not only did He bless me with two amazing children, but he is giving me the courage and heart to continue to reach out to the birth mothers of my children.

Dear precious Lord....thank you.  Thank you for teaching love!  I know that I fail each and every day to show your love to those around me....and I know that I can never truly embrace the kind of love that you teach.  But, praise be to you....the One that makes me new every morning.  I choose love and pray that through you, I am able to continue to show up, being present in the now....and let them see You in me.  I'm humbled to be your servant Lord.  Thank you.

The Defective Uterus Stikes Again!

Defective....that is the word I always used to describe my uterus.  It has never worked properly.  Over the years, it has played a part in my life to varying degrees.

As a teenager, I could have cared less that it didn't work.  What did I need it for?  I didn't...and frankly, not having to deal with "Shark Week" or "Aunt Flo" or whatever you want to call "that time of the month" was pretty awesome.

Then, I met an amazing man, got married and began to dream of having "Little Vaughts" running around.  During this time.....my defective uterus meant everything.  It was the source of my depression.  It was the cause for doubt, insecurities, and emotional pain.  It was reason for countless doctor appointments, invasive tests, surgeries, pills and injections. It was the culprit behind years of disappointment and sadness.

After deciding to call it quits to our fertility treatment adventure, I was so relieved.  I could not...WOULD not, be held captive to the strife and turmoil this defective uterus had caused me any longer.  I was free from its bondage.  Anyone that has been through infertility understands what I mean by bondage.  You are a science experiment....with each doctor thinking "they can help"....they will "find the answer".  Let's try this test....how about this cocktail of medicines.....what about this new study that just came out.  You are at the mercy of medicine, science, and YOUR DAMN DEFECTIVE UTERUS.

Well, I have not had to think or even consider said "Uterus" in many years.  Other than the yearly exam, etc....I have not given her a second thought.  Until Monday!

I began to have some unusual symptoms and concerns that made room for concern.  After a discussion with my doctor, he said those words....."Come in...you need an ultrasound, some blood work, and an exam including endometrial biopsy."  All of these words echoed in my head....like a bad nightmare.  It took me right back to 2003....the time of the heat and height of my infertility treatment era.  For a moment...those scary, painful feelings came rushing forward.  The ones that caused me such pain and emotional distress....such anxiety and depression. 

Damn you....defective uterus!  You already deprived me and my wonderful husband the gift of having biological children.  You already cause us to lose years of our marriage to pain (physical and emotional).  Why....now....do you want to give me a scare that includes words like "biopsy and fibroid and rule out cancer and surgery and hormone replacement".  I was done with you when you did me wrong all those years ago.  I had no intentions of thinking of you ever again. 

But the Tammy of today....is in such a different place.  My spiritual journey has brought me to such a place that I could have never dreamed or anticipated.  Instead of staying lost in that painful memory, staying caught up in the pain and hurt...I turned to Him.  The one that knows me....the One that is searching for me.  I was able to pray in thanksgiving...for the blessings in my life.  I was able to delve into His word, and remind myself that while often we are tired, and impatient, and frustrated....God is with us.  He will never forsake us.  He will carry us through each and every trial.

Today, I'm a mother...no thanks to my uterus!  I am carrying out God's plan to love and nurture two of His beloved.  To be reminded of my past....the journey that led me to this amazing honor of motherhood....is not a bad thing.  It is uncomfortable!  It is sometimes painful, but it was the most rewarding journey of my life thus far.  Not just my journey to motherhood....but the journey that has strengthened my faith and grown my relationship with God.  Thanks be to Him!

Two years ago.....

Two years ago today (December 18, 2011).....I can honestly say I don't remember EXACTLY what I was doing.

I would imagine I was probably working in San Angelo....providing anesthesia for someone who needed surgery.  I was probably counting down the hours for when I could "clock out" and get back home to Chris.  I was probably looking over Christmas lists and grocery lists....wondering how I was going to get it all done before Christmas.

We were in the middle of our first December back in Texas.  Our first December with Chris as the music director at St Luke's UMC.  Our first December...where the season not only brings joy and thanksgiving, but also a new-found stress and anxiety that comes with being in ministry during this wonderful time of the year. 

On December 18, 2011, I had no idea....that a very special event was taking place.  I had no idea that what was going on in a hospital in the next town over....was going to change our lives forever.  I had no idea that my son was being born!

No....I wasn't there the day he entered into this world.  No....I didn't hold him on my chest right after he took his first breath.  No...Chris and I didn't gaze into each other's tear filled eyes as he cried his first cry.  No...I don't have floods of pictures from the moments directly after his birth.  And sometimes, I feel a sense of morning, or loss....that I wasn't able to experience this moment with my son.

But....on the day Cristian entered into this world, God was preparing my mind and soul to realize He had plans for our lives, and these plans included a very special child.  And as Cristian was laid on his birth mom's chest, God was already growing and stretching my own heart within my chest....to be ready to love this little miracle that would enter our lives.  And as others were there to hear his first cry, I spent much of Christmas crying tears of longing and anticipation....because I knew that God needed us to go beyond what was comfortable and safe.  He needed us to love one of His children that we did not yet know, but for whom we had prayed for many years.

It was during the family Christmas Eve service 2 years ago....6 days after Cristian was born, that God spoke to me....through the families taking communion.  He told me that there was a child....a child that would need us.  He told me that a child would enter our lives, change us forever, and make our family whole.

William Cristian Vaught...my Christmas miracle, I love you!  I've loved you and prayed for you long before you entered this world.  And even though I was not there on this day 2 years ago,  please know always....that you hold my heart forever!  Happy 2nd Birthday little man!   I'm honored and humbled that God chose me to be your momma! I love you!

Santa, Cookies, and A Baby in a Manger!!!

It's that wonderful time of the year....when all is merry and bright!  Some folks love the summer holidays, or maybe....they go all out for Halloween, but for me....it's Christmas!  Christmas is that holiday....where the traditions run deep, and the memories are fresh! There will always be those years that ring loudly in my memory....where my mind paints vivid pictures.

I remember many of the A-MAAZ-ING Christmas productions/ pageants....some of which took place in our very living room!

 

I remember decorating the tree each year....placing each special ornament in it's own place on the tree.

I definitely recall....it was my job, EVERY YEAR....to put out the Nativity.  I sometimes spent many minutes getting it "just right!"

Who doesn't love making Christmas cookies....or at least eating the raw cookie dough!

Posing for Christmas card "photo shoots"....

And of course.....the infamous Santa photos!!

Now....fast forward to December 2013!!  We are spending our very first Christmas, as the VAUGHT family....family of FOUR!  My children are so young....Cristian will be two next week (December 18th) and Scarlett will be 6 months old at the end of the week (December 15th).  They do not yet understand or grasp the concept of Christmas, and they definitely don't know about family "traditions".

It's caused me to spend some time in thought!  What traditions will our family start?  What will become the memories that my kids will write about one day in a blog of their own?  What will the elements of a "Vaught Family Christmas" be....that makes it special and unique?

It's easy to get caught up in all the "Pintrest-ness" of the season.  Let's make this craft!  OMG...we have to wrap our presents just like this...with these awesome home-made gift tags.  Should we get an ELF...name him Spunky....and dangle him from the ceiling fan in army fatigues?  What about the food???  Seriously?  I can't even handle all the delicious, new and exciting food options out there tempting me at every turn.  Of course....let's not forget the various AWESOMENESS of creative Christmas photo shoots (see previous post on photo shoots!)

I can be one to get a little over-whelmed....wanting to keep up with the "new and creative"!  But, I think I've come to a realization.  Our traditions will be OUR traditions.  Sure, there will be ideas out there that we might try....or things that I will "wish" we had done.  But...there will be no other Christmas like ours....because it will be just that....OURS!  And it will be wonderful, and blessed, and chaotic, and full of love!

There are a few things I know for sure....

We will decorate the tree and place each ornament in its own special place!

We will pose with Santa!

We will bake lots and LOTS of goodies!

We might even try to pose for Christmas Card photos!  Nah....probably NOT!

But, most importantly, we will talk a lot....during the whole month of December, reinforcing and reminding ourselves, that love began in a manger.  We will celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, the only son of God, whom He sent to Earth to save each and every one of us.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

 



Luke 2:9-14

 

An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."  Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,  "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."