I know you don't mean to be....but it is hurtful!

There is a new blog post going around right now...
You Shouldn’t Need A Reason For Not Having Kids | Thought Catalog

After reading this great blog post....I decided I wanted to weigh in on the subject.

While our life has undergone a drastic change, and we are now a family of four, and the parents of two beautiful children.....this was not always the case, nor was I even sure it would ever be the case.

After Chris and I got married, it was several years before we decided to take the plunge, and give infertility treatments a try.  We knew that growing our family through traditional means was going to be difficult, and there was even a chance of it being plain impossible.  It was a difficult, painful few years, and even though I was usually very open with folks about our journey....it was a private journey.

Prior to this decision....we spent the first 7-8 years of our marriage sans children.  And contrary to modern public belief, those years without children....and not trying to have children, were great!  We were not deprived....we were not sad....there was nothing missing!  We had chosen to be an amazing married couple....living a spectacular life.  However, despite our personal, PRIVATE decision to be "DINKS" (dual income no kids)....people felt the need to ask us about this decision.  They felt the need to question our choice....wanting reasons and rationales.  They often voiced un-solicited opinions....that included statements like:

"Oh...you guys need to get on it.  The time is now!"

OR

"What are you waiting on?  You will be awesome parents."  

OR

"Why would you NOT want to be parents."

Still, today, as a parent of two...I can not, for the life of me....understand WHY people would think this issue is their business.  Why would an individual think it their duty to question a couple's (or an individual's for that matter) decision to not have children?  Why would someone think it would be okay to infringe on a person's most personal and private part of their life?  I DON'T GET IT!

Now...let's move to the years following our painful journey known as "Infertility Treatments".  After many failed attempts, and several years of painful, heartbreaking disappointment....we made a very PRIVATE decision, as a couple, to stop treatments and embrace our life!  Embrace our life as a successful, happy married couple with other goals, dreams, and aspirations....that did not include children.  The questions from folks...once again, began to surface. 

"Why are you stopping?  Don't you want to be parents?"

OR

"Why don't you just adopt?  There are lots of kids that need to be adopted."

OR

"How can you just give up?  You need to be parents."

OR

"Don't give up on your dream.  Just go to Africa and get a kid."

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE???  In what other area of life.....would you think it would ever, EVER be ok to ask such personal questions.  Questions that re-open the wounds of failed fertility treatments.  Questions that bring forth embarrassment, guilt, shame, and sadness.  This is NOT OKAY! 

If there was such a thing as the "Sensitivity Police"....an officer would need to be called each and every time.  If a couple has made a decision to stop treatments...and has made a decision to embrace their life without kids....that is a decision they made after hours of emotional discussions and tears.  They did not come to this decision lightly, or without extensive consideration.  TRUST ME!  Handle these folks with utmost respect and sensitivity....as the wounds stay raw, even after years have passed.  Sometimes....even after they have been able to successfully grow their family.

Here is a suggestion....from one who has been there!  This is how the conversation should go:

Person:  So, do you guys have kids?
Couple:  Nope.
Person:  Cool.  So, how long have you lived in (enter city here)?

This is the honest truth....there are three reasons couples don't have children.  They can't have them....or they aren't ready to have them at this time....or they aren't interested in having them.  That simple!  Either way....it's a personal, PRIVATE issues....and you aren't aloud to ask WHY!