Our Reality

We are in early March...and everything is in a holding pattern, both with "Tank" and with Baby Girl.  There is nothing new to report....nothing new going on....just moving day to day like every other normal family.

Only...we are not normal....we are not typical.  This journey we are on, while not unique....it is not "normal". 

However....it is our journey...our beautiful story...our reality.

My reality....

~ I pick up a playroom full of toys at least 3 times a day...knowing "Tank the Tornado" will be back...SOON!

~ I wipe someone else's snotty nose and clean someone else's dirty butt MANY more times a day than my own these days.

~ I go to bed early...REALLY early!  And I'm totally ok with it!

~ The child in my home has WAY more new clothes than I do.

~ I smile and laugh...and my heart is warmed everytime I see his little smile shining up at me!

~We go to the park, to playdates, to church, to daycare, to visit family....we simply GO GO GO!

~ I think I say things like "That's a blue block....or The Cow goes Moooo" in my sleep.

BUT....

~ I can not say my child's name on social media or post pictures of his beautiful face.

~ While he calls me mama....and I love him as a mama should, he is not yet my son.

~ I have to fill out paperwork every week....documenting every does of Motrin and antibiotic I give, recording every activity he participated in, notating every doctors appointment, and clarifying every bruise and scrape.

~ I rock a child at night, kiss his head, and tell him I love him....knowing that he may leave my home next month.

~ I spend much of my free time reading about foster parenting, adoption, attachment disorders, and successful techniques to promote bonding....because those issues are/will be a part of my life.

~ We laugh...we sing....we dance....we play, but sometimes...no matter how much joy is in my home, there is a cloud looming that represents our life's current situation.

I love my reality!  I would not change my reality, but sometimes....it's hard, REALLY hard.  But...again....we are not unique.  Sometimes...reality is just hard....for everyone!

For Chris and I, we simply followed God to the space He called us to fill and we said “Yes”.  We said “yes” to the joy and excitement of becoming parents, but we also said “yes” to the discomfort, the ache, the pain that comes with this love.  Fostering has deepened our understanding of God’s love for us and has taught us how to “try” to love with that kind of love.  It has allowed us the chance to enter the depths of love where it isn’t all fun and easy.  God has empowered us to love these babies with His love, despite our weaknesses and shortcomings. 

Dear God...It's me Tammy

So...this past Tuesday we had court for Tank.  This particular court hearing is known as a "Permancy Hearing".  Basically...all the parties are present.  The CPS caseworker presents the plan and all the supporting data. 

In our case...CPS presented Tank's case with the recommendation of termination of parental rights with non-relative adoption by foster parents.  That was the first time we actually heard that said in court.  I think I stopped breathing temporarily!

The judge approved the plan and set the final hearing for April 12th.  Now...this does not mean ANYTHING in regards to what will actually happen in April.  On that day...all the information will be put before the judge, witnesses will be called to testify, and a ruling will be made.  And...that ruling could go either way.  Either way...that day is going to be a very difficult day!  So...continued prayers are appreciated!

Speaking of prayers....

I use my travel time...on my way to work...for prayer.  I'm usually driving into the hospital at some ridiculously early hour...and there is no one to call on the phone!  So....RING RING RING...God....it's me....Tammy.

Sometimes I pray for help..."Help a girl out...I still can't get a handle on my eating!"  Often, I pray for others in my life that are in need of His light and peace.  I always pray for my patients that day...and that I might be a good little anesthetist!

This past Tuesday...I heard myself praying words I never thought I would be able to pray.

I thanked God....I thanked Him, over and over again....for this journey....for this crazy path.  I thanked him....earnestly....with all my heart....that the journey was hard!  I thanked him for this difficult, emotional ride!  I no longer consider it a "trial".  I mean...don't get me wrong...it has been extremely trying....testing me in everyway....testing my marriage.....testing my faith.  Yet...I thanked Him...in the midst of a difficult path that is not yet over!

I remember the day I became a Christian!  I was 8 years old...at Laity Lodge Youth Camp....sitting on a big boulder outside my cabin.  I then went on to pray "the prayer" with another little girl that evening...to help her become a Christian.  I grew up in church...attending church camp...hanging with mostly all Christian friends.  My faith has always been important to me!

BUT, the role it played in my life....waxed and waned with the different seasons of my life.  Not always did I seek Him in times of trial...or thank Him for the blessings in my life, because....frankly, I just couldn't!  I just wasn't...THERE!

This season....this "trial"....has taken my relationship with Christ to a level I wasn't anticipating.  Because of this challenging path...I have sought Him....EVERYDAY, for strength...for guidance....for peace.  I have come to a place in my life...through my faith....where my trust in God is enough!  It is simply enough.

Now hear me!!!  My faith and trust in God is enough....but I am not done...nor am I there!  I continue to fall!  I continue to struggle!  And on April 12th....I very well maybe crying to God with..."Why?  How could this happen?  Please make this outcome different!"

But...at least...I'll be crying to God....my God!  The One who will never forsake me....or leave me!  And for that....I'm thankful!