Defective....that is the word I always used to describe my uterus. It has never worked properly. Over the years, it has played a part in my life to varying degrees.
As a teenager, I could have cared less that it didn't work. What did I need it for? I didn't...and frankly, not having to deal with "Shark Week" or "Aunt Flo" or whatever you want to call "that time of the month" was pretty awesome.
Then, I met an amazing man, got married and began to dream of having "Little Vaughts" running around. During this time.....my defective uterus meant everything. It was the source of my depression. It was the cause for doubt, insecurities, and emotional pain. It was reason for countless doctor appointments, invasive tests, surgeries, pills and injections. It was the culprit behind years of disappointment and sadness.
After deciding to call it quits to our fertility treatment adventure, I was so relieved. I could not...WOULD not, be held captive to the strife and turmoil this defective uterus had caused me any longer. I was free from its bondage. Anyone that has been through infertility understands what I mean by bondage. You are a science experiment....with each doctor thinking "they can help"....they will "find the answer". Let's try this test....how about this cocktail of medicines.....what about this new study that just came out. You are at the mercy of medicine, science, and YOUR DAMN DEFECTIVE UTERUS.
Well, I have not had to think or even consider said "Uterus" in many years. Other than the yearly exam, etc....I have not given her a second thought. Until Monday!
I began to have some unusual symptoms and concerns that made room for concern. After a discussion with my doctor, he said those words....."Come in...you need an ultrasound, some blood work, and an exam including endometrial biopsy." All of these words echoed in my head....like a bad nightmare. It took me right back to 2003....the time of the heat and height of my infertility treatment era. For a moment...those scary, painful feelings came rushing forward. The ones that caused me such pain and emotional distress....such anxiety and depression.
Damn you....defective uterus! You already deprived me and my wonderful husband the gift of having biological children. You already cause us to lose years of our marriage to pain (physical and emotional). Why....now....do you want to give me a scare that includes words like "biopsy and fibroid and rule out cancer and surgery and hormone replacement". I was done with you when you did me wrong all those years ago. I had no intentions of thinking of you ever again.
But the Tammy of today....is in such a different place. My spiritual journey has brought me to such a place that I could have never dreamed or anticipated. Instead of staying lost in that painful memory, staying caught up in the pain and hurt...I turned to Him. The one that knows me....the One that is searching for me. I was able to pray in thanksgiving...for the blessings in my life. I was able to delve into His word, and remind myself that while often we are tired, and impatient, and frustrated....God is with us. He will never forsake us. He will carry us through each and every trial.
Today, I'm a mother...no thanks to my uterus! I am carrying out God's plan to love and nurture two of His beloved. To be reminded of my past....the journey that led me to this amazing honor of motherhood....is not a bad thing. It is uncomfortable! It is sometimes painful, but it was the most rewarding journey of my life thus far. Not just my journey to motherhood....but the journey that has strengthened my faith and grown my relationship with God. Thanks be to Him!
