Do they see You in me?

I struggle with this question on a regular basis:

"Do they see YOU in me?"

 

 

 

Through the day to day....I know that many times.....they do not.  It's a hard statement to make, but I know that I do not reflect God's love and grace each and every day or with each and every encounter.

 

I'm hurried and in a rush.....often not taking the time to visit with the person behind me in line.  I am short and impatient....often to those that are closest to me.

 

I'm self-focused and self-absorbed....often not being present in the moment with those sitting right across from me at a table.

 

I am task oriented.....often not taking the time to look up and around to notice my surroundings or those in need around me.

 

I am a worrier.....spending too much time focusing on the "What if" or the "What now".

 

 

I recently had an anxiety provoking event.....that was temporarily crippling.  I let the devil come in....uninvited....to my new day.  But, I am proud to say, with God's grace and only through His strength....I was able to rise above, and hopefully, let God's light and love show through me.

I keep in contact with Mikki (Cristian's birth mom) via email.  We message back and forth every so often.  I send her encouragement that Cristian is healthy, happy, and loved.  I send her pictures and updates.  I let her know that I believe in her and that through God....she, too, is new every morning.

I have been very comfortable with this arrangement and correspondence, until last week..  I found out last Wednesday that Cristian's birth father is now out of prison....and that he and Mikki are planning to get married.  He had been in prison the entire time we were fostering Cristian, thus I have never met him.  Honestly, I never had to think about or be concerned with him.  Learning that he was out, and that he and Mikki are re-kindling their relationship caused me great anxiety.  Not because of any legal repercussion.....but, because the devil was planting seeds in my brain.  "What is this man capable of?"  "Will he come find us out of vengeance?  Is he angry and vindictive?"

 I began to feel overwhelmed with worry and concern....until I stopped.  I lost myself prayer and in the silence....and listened to God speak.  "Let them see Me."  So, as my anxiety began to dissipate and my heart began to soften....I reached out to Mikki.  I congratulated her and Jorge on their relationship and encouraged her to move forward with a Christ-centered relationship/ marriage.  I let her know of God's amazing love and that through him ANYTHING is possible. 

If not for my faith and the strength of God within me, I would not have been able to do this.  I would not have been able to let Mikki see Christ through me.  I continue to be humbled that God is using me in such a powerful way.  Not only did He bless me with two amazing children, but he is giving me the courage and heart to continue to reach out to the birth mothers of my children.

Dear precious Lord....thank you.  Thank you for teaching love!  I know that I fail each and every day to show your love to those around me....and I know that I can never truly embrace the kind of love that you teach.  But, praise be to you....the One that makes me new every morning.  I choose love and pray that through you, I am able to continue to show up, being present in the now....and let them see You in me.  I'm humbled to be your servant Lord.  Thank you.

The Defective Uterus Stikes Again!

Defective....that is the word I always used to describe my uterus.  It has never worked properly.  Over the years, it has played a part in my life to varying degrees.

As a teenager, I could have cared less that it didn't work.  What did I need it for?  I didn't...and frankly, not having to deal with "Shark Week" or "Aunt Flo" or whatever you want to call "that time of the month" was pretty awesome.

Then, I met an amazing man, got married and began to dream of having "Little Vaughts" running around.  During this time.....my defective uterus meant everything.  It was the source of my depression.  It was the cause for doubt, insecurities, and emotional pain.  It was reason for countless doctor appointments, invasive tests, surgeries, pills and injections. It was the culprit behind years of disappointment and sadness.

After deciding to call it quits to our fertility treatment adventure, I was so relieved.  I could not...WOULD not, be held captive to the strife and turmoil this defective uterus had caused me any longer.  I was free from its bondage.  Anyone that has been through infertility understands what I mean by bondage.  You are a science experiment....with each doctor thinking "they can help"....they will "find the answer".  Let's try this test....how about this cocktail of medicines.....what about this new study that just came out.  You are at the mercy of medicine, science, and YOUR DAMN DEFECTIVE UTERUS.

Well, I have not had to think or even consider said "Uterus" in many years.  Other than the yearly exam, etc....I have not given her a second thought.  Until Monday!

I began to have some unusual symptoms and concerns that made room for concern.  After a discussion with my doctor, he said those words....."Come in...you need an ultrasound, some blood work, and an exam including endometrial biopsy."  All of these words echoed in my head....like a bad nightmare.  It took me right back to 2003....the time of the heat and height of my infertility treatment era.  For a moment...those scary, painful feelings came rushing forward.  The ones that caused me such pain and emotional distress....such anxiety and depression. 

Damn you....defective uterus!  You already deprived me and my wonderful husband the gift of having biological children.  You already cause us to lose years of our marriage to pain (physical and emotional).  Why....now....do you want to give me a scare that includes words like "biopsy and fibroid and rule out cancer and surgery and hormone replacement".  I was done with you when you did me wrong all those years ago.  I had no intentions of thinking of you ever again. 

But the Tammy of today....is in such a different place.  My spiritual journey has brought me to such a place that I could have never dreamed or anticipated.  Instead of staying lost in that painful memory, staying caught up in the pain and hurt...I turned to Him.  The one that knows me....the One that is searching for me.  I was able to pray in thanksgiving...for the blessings in my life.  I was able to delve into His word, and remind myself that while often we are tired, and impatient, and frustrated....God is with us.  He will never forsake us.  He will carry us through each and every trial.

Today, I'm a mother...no thanks to my uterus!  I am carrying out God's plan to love and nurture two of His beloved.  To be reminded of my past....the journey that led me to this amazing honor of motherhood....is not a bad thing.  It is uncomfortable!  It is sometimes painful, but it was the most rewarding journey of my life thus far.  Not just my journey to motherhood....but the journey that has strengthened my faith and grown my relationship with God.  Thanks be to Him!

Two years ago.....

Two years ago today (December 18, 2011).....I can honestly say I don't remember EXACTLY what I was doing.

I would imagine I was probably working in San Angelo....providing anesthesia for someone who needed surgery.  I was probably counting down the hours for when I could "clock out" and get back home to Chris.  I was probably looking over Christmas lists and grocery lists....wondering how I was going to get it all done before Christmas.

We were in the middle of our first December back in Texas.  Our first December with Chris as the music director at St Luke's UMC.  Our first December...where the season not only brings joy and thanksgiving, but also a new-found stress and anxiety that comes with being in ministry during this wonderful time of the year. 

On December 18, 2011, I had no idea....that a very special event was taking place.  I had no idea that what was going on in a hospital in the next town over....was going to change our lives forever.  I had no idea that my son was being born!

No....I wasn't there the day he entered into this world.  No....I didn't hold him on my chest right after he took his first breath.  No...Chris and I didn't gaze into each other's tear filled eyes as he cried his first cry.  No...I don't have floods of pictures from the moments directly after his birth.  And sometimes, I feel a sense of morning, or loss....that I wasn't able to experience this moment with my son.

But....on the day Cristian entered into this world, God was preparing my mind and soul to realize He had plans for our lives, and these plans included a very special child.  And as Cristian was laid on his birth mom's chest, God was already growing and stretching my own heart within my chest....to be ready to love this little miracle that would enter our lives.  And as others were there to hear his first cry, I spent much of Christmas crying tears of longing and anticipation....because I knew that God needed us to go beyond what was comfortable and safe.  He needed us to love one of His children that we did not yet know, but for whom we had prayed for many years.

It was during the family Christmas Eve service 2 years ago....6 days after Cristian was born, that God spoke to me....through the families taking communion.  He told me that there was a child....a child that would need us.  He told me that a child would enter our lives, change us forever, and make our family whole.

William Cristian Vaught...my Christmas miracle, I love you!  I've loved you and prayed for you long before you entered this world.  And even though I was not there on this day 2 years ago,  please know always....that you hold my heart forever!  Happy 2nd Birthday little man!   I'm honored and humbled that God chose me to be your momma! I love you!

Santa, Cookies, and A Baby in a Manger!!!

It's that wonderful time of the year....when all is merry and bright!  Some folks love the summer holidays, or maybe....they go all out for Halloween, but for me....it's Christmas!  Christmas is that holiday....where the traditions run deep, and the memories are fresh! There will always be those years that ring loudly in my memory....where my mind paints vivid pictures.

I remember many of the A-MAAZ-ING Christmas productions/ pageants....some of which took place in our very living room!

 

I remember decorating the tree each year....placing each special ornament in it's own place on the tree.

I definitely recall....it was my job, EVERY YEAR....to put out the Nativity.  I sometimes spent many minutes getting it "just right!"

Who doesn't love making Christmas cookies....or at least eating the raw cookie dough!

Posing for Christmas card "photo shoots"....

And of course.....the infamous Santa photos!!

Now....fast forward to December 2013!!  We are spending our very first Christmas, as the VAUGHT family....family of FOUR!  My children are so young....Cristian will be two next week (December 18th) and Scarlett will be 6 months old at the end of the week (December 15th).  They do not yet understand or grasp the concept of Christmas, and they definitely don't know about family "traditions".

It's caused me to spend some time in thought!  What traditions will our family start?  What will become the memories that my kids will write about one day in a blog of their own?  What will the elements of a "Vaught Family Christmas" be....that makes it special and unique?

It's easy to get caught up in all the "Pintrest-ness" of the season.  Let's make this craft!  OMG...we have to wrap our presents just like this...with these awesome home-made gift tags.  Should we get an ELF...name him Spunky....and dangle him from the ceiling fan in army fatigues?  What about the food???  Seriously?  I can't even handle all the delicious, new and exciting food options out there tempting me at every turn.  Of course....let's not forget the various AWESOMENESS of creative Christmas photo shoots (see previous post on photo shoots!)

I can be one to get a little over-whelmed....wanting to keep up with the "new and creative"!  But, I think I've come to a realization.  Our traditions will be OUR traditions.  Sure, there will be ideas out there that we might try....or things that I will "wish" we had done.  But...there will be no other Christmas like ours....because it will be just that....OURS!  And it will be wonderful, and blessed, and chaotic, and full of love!

There are a few things I know for sure....

We will decorate the tree and place each ornament in its own special place!

We will pose with Santa!

We will bake lots and LOTS of goodies!

We might even try to pose for Christmas Card photos!  Nah....probably NOT!

But, most importantly, we will talk a lot....during the whole month of December, reinforcing and reminding ourselves, that love began in a manger.  We will celebrate the birth of Jesus Christ, the only son of God, whom He sent to Earth to save each and every one of us.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!

 



Luke 2:9-14

 

An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified.  But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.  This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."  Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,  "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."

Reconnecting....It's a beautiful thing!!

She was small....beautiful....amazing!  She was love....hope....joy.....all wrapped into one little bundle.  She was our first!  Our first foster child....our first call to parenting.....our first of God's children to love.

Her name....Cambryn (although we called her "nugget" in social media land)!  She stayed with us only three weeks....but our hearts were forever emblazed with her mark.  She taught us what it meant to love....like God loves (or try to!).  To love unconditionally....to love boldly and with reckless abandon!  She put stretch marks all over our hearts....stretch marks that have never gone away.

We have prayed for her daily.  We've asked God to please assure her safety.   We've prayed that she is loved deeply.  We have prayed that she is being raised in a Christian home where she will know the love of God and be taught to be a beautiful woman of faith.

But since that day.....July 17th, 2012, when Cambryn left our home....there has been a lack of peace.  A concern....a discomfort and uncertainty that has haunted us.  She was picked up and taken away in a flash....just as quickly as the day she was dropped off.  It was painful....probably one of the most painful days of my life.  And even in our joy....as we continued our journey into parenthood....the pain remained!  Where is she?  How is she?  Will we ever know?  Please dear God...let her know love!

WELL.....I can now say....WE KNOW!!  She is safe!  She is loved!  She is being raised to know she is a precious, amazing child of God....a gift that was wonderfully made!

Through the amazing reach of "Facebook Arms"....we have been able to be connected with Cambryn's parents! Through a chance and bizarre crossing of paths.....my cousin discovered that she knows the awesome couple that adopted Cambryn.  She was taken from our home....and placed in their loving arms.  And now...we have been connected!  A connection that can only be God designed... divinely orchestrated! 

Thank you dear heavenly Father....for your love!  Thank you for your promise of a new day.  Thank you for your peace!  May we be pleasing to you as we take up the call to love your children.

Perfection! Or Maybe Not!

So....two weeks ago, we had a little family photo shoot.  I was so ridiculously excited about this...I can hardly put it into words.

I went on the hunt for the perfect outfits....met with an amazing photographer....planned the day out with great precision.  I had conjured up in my mind what our "perfect" little family was supposed to look like and how this photo shoot was supposed to go down. 

We would have great documentation of our lives....right now....as we are currently living them. Smiling....laughing.....playing....enjoying each other!  Everyone would see the cherubic faces of my two littles. A person would be able to see the love between Chris and I....and our devotion to not only one another, but also to our amazing children.  Scarlett would smile on cue....even though she is only 3 1/2 months old. Cristian would pose and flirt with the camera....making everyone's hearts melt.  It was going to be an amazing day! 

In my distorted, small mind...I actually thought my expectations were grounded and realistic!

Well...much to my surprise....I WAS SADLY MISTAKEN!  And...for a brief moment, I was devastated!

Seriously....I wanted this to go perfect!  I NEEDED this to go perfect!  I've waited and prayed for this perfect family for sooooo long....and I looked at this opportunity to document our "perfection" as a gift.

PERFECT.....to be completely free from faults or defects! (Webster)

It was an outside shoot (by my choosing)....it was 98 degrees outside (not my choosing)...and we were dressed in fall attire.  Scarlett had sweated through her outfit before we even got her out of the car!

We stopped at water fountains first!  FIRST!  Good plan....NOT!  Cristian was AWESOME there...carefree....loving throwing acorns into the fountain.  Then.....came the time to change locations.

CUE melt down!  He wouldn't smile....he wouldn't get on the bench....he wouldn't cooperate.  He would cry....he would throw his water bottle down in anger.....he would become a limp noodle and refuse to walk.  It was....NOT PERFECT!

Our amazing photographer says..."I think we've shot enough for today.  I don't want him to hate me or coming to my studio.  We pushed him far enough."  

I was heart-broken.  There is NO way she could have captured anything that resembled happiness, joy, and love in this photo shoot.  I'm not even sure I want to come back and look at them.  And in her reassuring, calm voice....Angie says "I think you will be surprised.  It will be journalistic....not posed.  But, I think you will be surprised.  And...it is capturing you as you are....NOW.  Where you are now!  What your family looks like....NOW."

So, I had three days to ponder that.  Where are we now?  Some days, I don't even know.  But what I do know is...we are a family brought together by God.  We are answered prayers.  We are love and nurturing, crazy and zany, frustration and confusion, patience and forgiveness, growing and learning, faithful and devoutly HIS.....all wrapped into one big "PERFECT" happy family of four!

PERFECT: Having all the required or desirable elements, qualities, or characteristics.  (Webster)

I had lofty expectations....set too high.  Unrealistic!  And...because of that, I missed out on being in the moment!  I missed out on just loving us....right where we are....right NOW!  I missed out on noticing that we have all the required, desirable elements and characteristics; therefore meaning: we are "perfect"!

An important lesson learned! A lesson that will shape our family for many years to come!

And guess what....Angie got some GREAT photos as well! Of course....I'm only sharing the "perfect ones"....but take a look!

 A-MA-ZING!!!!!

Thank you Angie at Studio 1401 by Angela Free for your patience, kindness, and amazing work!  The Vaught family are HUGE fans!





Mommy See-sawing!

So....there is this thing.  I've dubbed it "Mommy See-Sawing".  And it goes a little something like this!

When you decide to embark on the land of parenting, you are faced with great anticipation (whether naturally or through fostering or adopting....it's all the same!). It's like waiting to get on the see-saw at the park when you were a kid. You know that you are going to go up and down....and up and down.  Constant movement....with that feeling in your stomach as you rise and fall.  No surprises....nothing unexpected.  It's a little bit up....and a little bit down.....but constantly moving.

Well, then it's your turn.  You get on your side of the see-saw and you start out....up and down, up and down....uuuppppp and dooooowwwwnnnn.  THEN....this happens!!!

You are on the up side....being held in the sky!  Wind blowing through your hair....a beautiful view....it's amazing!  You are quite aware that you must come down!  However....you sure do enjoy it while you are being lifted and held up....so high in the sky.

Then, the kid you are see-sawing with has to go....so you let him off and another kid gets on.  She is littler than you....light as a feather.  You begin to see-saw.....and you find your butt STUCK IN THE SAND!

She's up....and there you are, sitting on the ground where you feel like you are embedded into the Earth below you.  It may take shovels, large equipment and a crew of several large men to get you out.  This is not NEARLY as much fun as it was when you were hoisted way up in there air and you want off!

When I started having that feeling....that I was riding a see-saw through motherhood, I felt a little guilty.  How could I not be enjoying every minute of this ride?  I mean....I've been gifted with two amazing gifts.  I've been entrusted to love and nurture two of God's most precious creations.  I should be loving this ALL the time. 

But the reality is....sometimes I feel stuck in the sand.  Sometimes, my butt is so heavy on the one end of the see-saw....that I'm not sure why I got on in the first place.  I get frustrated....I get tired....I get a sense of longing for the life that once existed....PRE-CHILD!

And then, I see this
 

Or watch this

Or read this
 

Behold, children are a gift from Lord, the fruit of the womb is a reward.  Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one's youth.  How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; they will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.  Psalm 127:3-5

And I suddenly find myself lifted.....back up in the air....hoisted high in the sky with that amazing view and awesome breeze.  The times when you breathe in the smell of their skin....watch the shallow, rhythmic rise of their chest while they sleep...or get overwhelmed by the smile that greets you when you get home from work (they don't know if your day was good or bad).

I think I can honestly say that I love and appreciate being on this "Up" end of the see-saw sooooo much more because of the times when I was stuck in the sand on the "Down" end.  It was during those times that I sought God in prayer.  It was during those times that I asked for guidance, patience, wisdom.....but also, praised Him in thanksgiving that I had been honored with the responsibility to parent two of His children (even when it's so hard!).

Enjoy the see-saw fellow parents.....BOTH sides of the see-saw!  I know....you just want to roll off into the sand when you are stuck on the "Down" side and let the little girl on the "Up" side fall!  I ABSOLUTELY get it!  And if you must....roll off and walk away for a bit.  But, then dust your butt off and get back on the See-saw.....because this God-gifted ride is about to hoist you RIGHT BACK UP!