We are in early March...and everything is in a holding pattern, both with "Tank" and with Baby Girl. There is nothing new to report....nothing new going on....just moving day to day like every other normal family.
Only...we are not normal....we are not typical. This journey we are on, while not unique....it is not "normal".
However....it is our journey...our beautiful story...our reality.
My reality....
~ I pick up a playroom full of toys at least 3 times a day...knowing "Tank the Tornado" will be back...SOON!
~ I wipe someone else's snotty nose and clean someone else's dirty butt MANY more times a day than my own these days.
~ I go to bed early...REALLY early! And I'm totally ok with it!
~ The child in my home has WAY more new clothes than I do.
~ I smile and laugh...and my heart is warmed everytime I see his little smile shining up at me!
~We go to the park, to playdates, to church, to daycare, to visit family....we simply GO GO GO!
~ I think I say things like "That's a blue block....or The Cow goes Moooo" in my sleep.
BUT....
~ I can not say my child's name on social media or post pictures of his beautiful face.
~ While he calls me mama....and I love him as a mama should, he is not yet my son.
~ I have to fill out paperwork every week....documenting every does of Motrin and antibiotic I give, recording every activity he participated in, notating every doctors appointment, and clarifying every bruise and scrape.
~ I rock a child at night, kiss his head, and tell him I love him....knowing that he may leave my home next month.
~ I spend much of my free time reading about foster parenting, adoption, attachment disorders, and successful techniques to promote bonding....because those issues are/will be a part of my life.
~ We laugh...we sing....we dance....we play, but sometimes...no matter how much joy is in my home, there is a cloud looming that represents our life's current situation.
I love my reality! I would not change my reality, but sometimes....it's hard, REALLY hard. But...again....we are not unique. Sometimes...reality is just hard....for everyone!
For Chris and I, we simply followed God to the space He called
us to fill and we said “Yes”. We said
“yes” to the joy and excitement of becoming parents, but we also said “yes” to
the discomfort, the ache, the pain that comes with this love. Fostering has deepened our understanding of
God’s love for us and has taught us how to “try” to love with that kind of
love. It has allowed us the chance to
enter the depths of love where it isn’t all fun and easy. God has empowered us to love these babies
with His love, despite our weaknesses and shortcomings.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Friday, March 1, 2013
Dear God...It's me Tammy
So...this past Tuesday we had court for Tank. This particular court hearing is known as a "Permancy Hearing". Basically...all the parties are present. The CPS caseworker presents the plan and all the supporting data.
In our case...CPS presented Tank's case with the recommendation of termination of parental rights with non-relative adoption by foster parents. That was the first time we actually heard that said in court. I think I stopped breathing temporarily!
The judge approved the plan and set the final hearing for April 12th. Now...this does not mean ANYTHING in regards to what will actually happen in April. On that day...all the information will be put before the judge, witnesses will be called to testify, and a ruling will be made. And...that ruling could go either way. Either way...that day is going to be a very difficult day! So...continued prayers are appreciated!
Speaking of prayers....
I use my travel time...on my way to work...for prayer. I'm usually driving into the hospital at some ridiculously early hour...and there is no one to call on the phone! So....RING RING RING...God....it's me....Tammy.
Sometimes I pray for help..."Help a girl out...I still can't get a handle on my eating!" Often, I pray for others in my life that are in need of His light and peace. I always pray for my patients that day...and that I might be a good little anesthetist!
This past Tuesday...I heard myself praying words I never thought I would be able to pray.
I thanked God....I thanked Him, over and over again....for this journey....for this crazy path. I thanked him....earnestly....with all my heart....that the journey was hard! I thanked him for this difficult, emotional ride! I no longer consider it a "trial". I mean...don't get me wrong...it has been extremely trying....testing me in everyway....testing my marriage.....testing my faith. Yet...I thanked Him...in the midst of a difficult path that is not yet over!
I remember the day I became a Christian! I was 8 years old...at Laity Lodge Youth Camp....sitting on a big boulder outside my cabin. I then went on to pray "the prayer" with another little girl that evening...to help her become a Christian. I grew up in church...attending church camp...hanging with mostly all Christian friends. My faith has always been important to me!
BUT, the role it played in my life....waxed and waned with the different seasons of my life. Not always did I seek Him in times of trial...or thank Him for the blessings in my life, because....frankly, I just couldn't! I just wasn't...THERE!
This season....this "trial"....has taken my relationship with Christ to a level I wasn't anticipating. Because of this challenging path...I have sought Him....EVERYDAY, for strength...for guidance....for peace. I have come to a place in my life...through my faith....where my trust in God is enough! It is simply enough.
Now hear me!!! My faith and trust in God is enough....but I am not done...nor am I there! I continue to fall! I continue to struggle! And on April 12th....I very well maybe crying to God with..."Why? How could this happen? Please make this outcome different!"
But...at least...I'll be crying to God....my God! The One who will never forsake me....or leave me! And for that....I'm thankful!
In our case...CPS presented Tank's case with the recommendation of termination of parental rights with non-relative adoption by foster parents. That was the first time we actually heard that said in court. I think I stopped breathing temporarily!
The judge approved the plan and set the final hearing for April 12th. Now...this does not mean ANYTHING in regards to what will actually happen in April. On that day...all the information will be put before the judge, witnesses will be called to testify, and a ruling will be made. And...that ruling could go either way. Either way...that day is going to be a very difficult day! So...continued prayers are appreciated!
Speaking of prayers....
I use my travel time...on my way to work...for prayer. I'm usually driving into the hospital at some ridiculously early hour...and there is no one to call on the phone! So....RING RING RING...God....it's me....Tammy.
Sometimes I pray for help..."Help a girl out...I still can't get a handle on my eating!" Often, I pray for others in my life that are in need of His light and peace. I always pray for my patients that day...and that I might be a good little anesthetist!
This past Tuesday...I heard myself praying words I never thought I would be able to pray.
I thanked God....I thanked Him, over and over again....for this journey....for this crazy path. I thanked him....earnestly....with all my heart....that the journey was hard! I thanked him for this difficult, emotional ride! I no longer consider it a "trial". I mean...don't get me wrong...it has been extremely trying....testing me in everyway....testing my marriage.....testing my faith. Yet...I thanked Him...in the midst of a difficult path that is not yet over!
I remember the day I became a Christian! I was 8 years old...at Laity Lodge Youth Camp....sitting on a big boulder outside my cabin. I then went on to pray "the prayer" with another little girl that evening...to help her become a Christian. I grew up in church...attending church camp...hanging with mostly all Christian friends. My faith has always been important to me!
BUT, the role it played in my life....waxed and waned with the different seasons of my life. Not always did I seek Him in times of trial...or thank Him for the blessings in my life, because....frankly, I just couldn't! I just wasn't...THERE!
This season....this "trial"....has taken my relationship with Christ to a level I wasn't anticipating. Because of this challenging path...I have sought Him....EVERYDAY, for strength...for guidance....for peace. I have come to a place in my life...through my faith....where my trust in God is enough! It is simply enough.
Now hear me!!! My faith and trust in God is enough....but I am not done...nor am I there! I continue to fall! I continue to struggle! And on April 12th....I very well maybe crying to God with..."Why? How could this happen? Please make this outcome different!"
But...at least...I'll be crying to God....my God! The One who will never forsake me....or leave me! And for that....I'm thankful!
Thursday, February 28, 2013
She asked! We said YES!!!!
Well....as of February 12th...we are officially an "expecting couple"...waiting for a child to be born who has been growing in our hearts for years!
We went lunch with Jenn, to talk some more...about details that were too uncomfortable to speak about on the first meeting. We laughed....we joked....we hugged good-bye....and she officially asked us to become the parents of her baby girl, who is to be born in June.
To be honest....we left lunch and I asked Chris..."Didn't you expect our reaction to be different"? I mean....I had always dreamt about this day. The day a birthmom picked us with whom to place her child for adoption. I just knew...I was going to cry, be absolutely giddy with emotion and delite, honored and humbled....and just plain....stupid crazy excited.
None of that happened! Nope...it was like..."I want y'all to adopt my child"...and we were like "Wow Jenn, thanks....what an honor. Of course we will!" "Do you want dessert or more tea?"
We talked over the next few days several times about our "anti-climactic" reaction. Was this normal? Did it mean something? Why wouldn't we have just burst into tears?
Conclusion: We are jaded! We are guarded! We have protective walls in place! All due to foster parenting. Now don't get me wrong...these protective measures are not a bad thing. And it doesn't mean that you shield yourself or prevent yourself from loving the child in your home....it just means you proceed...in EVERYTHING....with caution. You are prepared....to love deeply, letting your heart stretch, and grow....giving it "growth stretch marks"....knowing that you may have to later sooth those painful stretch marks with "Mederma or other such cream" when the child you have loved....leaves your home (or in the case of private adoption....never enters your home).
We are excited about what's to come! God's plan....as it CURRENTLY appears....may have our family growing from 2 to 4 by the end of June. We remain cautious....as to say that we fully know or understand God's will in our lives....would be ridiculous! But...we are willing to do anything, follow Him anywhere! So until he directs us otherwise...we are on the journey to PARENTHOOD OF 2!!!
We went lunch with Jenn, to talk some more...about details that were too uncomfortable to speak about on the first meeting. We laughed....we joked....we hugged good-bye....and she officially asked us to become the parents of her baby girl, who is to be born in June.
To be honest....we left lunch and I asked Chris..."Didn't you expect our reaction to be different"? I mean....I had always dreamt about this day. The day a birthmom picked us with whom to place her child for adoption. I just knew...I was going to cry, be absolutely giddy with emotion and delite, honored and humbled....and just plain....stupid crazy excited.
None of that happened! Nope...it was like..."I want y'all to adopt my child"...and we were like "Wow Jenn, thanks....what an honor. Of course we will!" "Do you want dessert or more tea?"
We talked over the next few days several times about our "anti-climactic" reaction. Was this normal? Did it mean something? Why wouldn't we have just burst into tears?
Conclusion: We are jaded! We are guarded! We have protective walls in place! All due to foster parenting. Now don't get me wrong...these protective measures are not a bad thing. And it doesn't mean that you shield yourself or prevent yourself from loving the child in your home....it just means you proceed...in EVERYTHING....with caution. You are prepared....to love deeply, letting your heart stretch, and grow....giving it "growth stretch marks"....knowing that you may have to later sooth those painful stretch marks with "Mederma or other such cream" when the child you have loved....leaves your home (or in the case of private adoption....never enters your home).
We are excited about what's to come! God's plan....as it CURRENTLY appears....may have our family growing from 2 to 4 by the end of June. We remain cautious....as to say that we fully know or understand God's will in our lives....would be ridiculous! But...we are willing to do anything, follow Him anywhere! So until he directs us otherwise...we are on the journey to PARENTHOOD OF 2!!!
Will and Grace
Years ago....when Chris and I first started exploring the options regarding our infertility issues...we had spoken with all our family. We had told them about the path we were about to journey down and we asked for prayer.
Several months into our infertility treatments....my sister-in-law, Andrea, called to tell us a great story. They were saying their nightly prayers with their kids. And, as the prayers were wrapping up, our nephew Jake (probably 6 or 7 at the time) said..."We forgot to pray for Baby Will". Andrea asks..."Who's Baby Will". To which Jake answered...."Uncle Chris and Aunt Tammy's baby".
Well...for the months prior, they had been praying "If it be your WILL Lord, please bless Chris and Tammy with a BABY". Well...true to fashion for a child...and child ears....he heard "Baby Will".
I know....HOW PRECIOUS IS THAT!!!!
Well, since that time....I have been praying for Baby Will (God's Will) by that name....and when we started the journey of foster care...I also started praying for Baby Grace (God's Grace). Will and Grace represent the children that God has planned for our home...and the children for whom God wants us to show HIS love and grace.
We are His children, and we have been called to love. And we are ready....Will and Grace....we are ready!
Several months into our infertility treatments....my sister-in-law, Andrea, called to tell us a great story. They were saying their nightly prayers with their kids. And, as the prayers were wrapping up, our nephew Jake (probably 6 or 7 at the time) said..."We forgot to pray for Baby Will". Andrea asks..."Who's Baby Will". To which Jake answered...."Uncle Chris and Aunt Tammy's baby".
Well...for the months prior, they had been praying "If it be your WILL Lord, please bless Chris and Tammy with a BABY". Well...true to fashion for a child...and child ears....he heard "Baby Will".
I know....HOW PRECIOUS IS THAT!!!!
Well, since that time....I have been praying for Baby Will (God's Will) by that name....and when we started the journey of foster care...I also started praying for Baby Grace (God's Grace). Will and Grace represent the children that God has planned for our home...and the children for whom God wants us to show HIS love and grace.
We are His children, and we have been called to love. And we are ready....Will and Grace....we are ready!
Three ladies, a man, and a baby
So, fast forward to mid-January. Christmas/ holiday season/ New Years was over! Chris was now finally able to process...and so we talked! We prayed! And we decided to reach out to meet Jenn. I made the call to my friend Susie...not knowing if they had moved on or not. Well, Susie and her niece Jenn, were still waiting on us...to take the time we needed to decide if we wanted to just meet and "see where it leads".
So...one chilly Sunday afternoon, we met...at Starbucks....over coffee. The four of us adults sat there together at the table...awkwardly getting to know one another....talking about the future and possibilities of a child who was not yet born. I could feel the ears of the lady sitting next to us....stretching to hear. I mean...how often do you wonder upon an adoption story unfolding right beside you...at a Starbucks.
The conversation felt...strange, yet unusually comfortable. There were alot of unanswered questions...uncertainties, but...it was a very nice "meeting". And as first meetings go....it went well.
We all agreed to talk about it...think about it....spend some time in prayer....and reach out to one another at a later date.
God....please...we are willing to follow you anywhere! We are willing to do anything! But...if this is not your will, please shut this door, and shut it fast. But until then....we will walk through and press on...because until you direct us otherwise....we are proceeding as though this match was by divine intervention!
So...one chilly Sunday afternoon, we met...at Starbucks....over coffee. The four of us adults sat there together at the table...awkwardly getting to know one another....talking about the future and possibilities of a child who was not yet born. I could feel the ears of the lady sitting next to us....stretching to hear. I mean...how often do you wonder upon an adoption story unfolding right beside you...at a Starbucks.
The conversation felt...strange, yet unusually comfortable. There were alot of unanswered questions...uncertainties, but...it was a very nice "meeting". And as first meetings go....it went well.
We all agreed to talk about it...think about it....spend some time in prayer....and reach out to one another at a later date.
God....please...we are willing to follow you anywhere! We are willing to do anything! But...if this is not your will, please shut this door, and shut it fast. But until then....we will walk through and press on...because until you direct us otherwise....we are proceeding as though this match was by divine intervention!
November - The month of change?
All a long, we thought Tank was going home once his mother was ready to be a safe parent. So, when we were approached by CPS to adopt Tank...we were stunned. CPS had decided to change the goal for Tank from reunification with parents to termination of parental right....and adoption by us.
Are you serious?? What happened? Why the change? Well...due to some circumstances which I can't divulge (and frankly aren't important)...it was decided that Tank's mom was not doing the neccessary things to make herself a safe parent for Tank.
After some talking, thought, and much prayer....we decided we would love to make our home Tank's forever home! And...cue freak out moment...as this was becoming REALLY real!
We had what was supposed to be "Final Court" for Tank on Nov 27th. That was HELL! Complete and utter hell. Sitting there...not know what is going to happen....knowing that for someone, either us or Tank's birthmom, this day was not going to end well. It would be a sad....for someone. Well...the judge granted a 6 month extension....meaning she was giving mom one last 6 month chance to show she could be a safe, responsible parent for her child. So...what does that mean for us? We wait! We continue to love Tank....and we wait! UGH!!!
Now that is not the ONLY change in Novemeber....just wait for this bomb!
I went to lunch the following day with a friend. I was coming off the massive emotional drama from the day before and had just eaten my weight in mexican food...when she asks to talk to me about something "personal".
"My niece is pregnant...she is due in June....and she wants to place the baby for adoption. I've told her about you and Chris. She wants to meet you guys....to see if you y'all are a match for possibly adopting her baby."
Can you hear the crickets! I was speechless! ARE YOU SERIOUS???
To which I respond....you are going to have to give us some time on this one! I will get back with you. And in the mean time...if you guys decide you need to move on and pursue another adoptive option...I totally understand! We agreed to talk in a few weeks.
I sat in my car shaking....how was I going to tell Chris about this. He was not going to handle it well!
His response...."Are you kidding me? I can't process that right now! I need time."
So...time we took...until January!
Are you serious?? What happened? Why the change? Well...due to some circumstances which I can't divulge (and frankly aren't important)...it was decided that Tank's mom was not doing the neccessary things to make herself a safe parent for Tank.
After some talking, thought, and much prayer....we decided we would love to make our home Tank's forever home! And...cue freak out moment...as this was becoming REALLY real!
We had what was supposed to be "Final Court" for Tank on Nov 27th. That was HELL! Complete and utter hell. Sitting there...not know what is going to happen....knowing that for someone, either us or Tank's birthmom, this day was not going to end well. It would be a sad....for someone. Well...the judge granted a 6 month extension....meaning she was giving mom one last 6 month chance to show she could be a safe, responsible parent for her child. So...what does that mean for us? We wait! We continue to love Tank....and we wait! UGH!!!
Now that is not the ONLY change in Novemeber....just wait for this bomb!
I went to lunch the following day with a friend. I was coming off the massive emotional drama from the day before and had just eaten my weight in mexican food...when she asks to talk to me about something "personal".
"My niece is pregnant...she is due in June....and she wants to place the baby for adoption. I've told her about you and Chris. She wants to meet you guys....to see if you y'all are a match for possibly adopting her baby."
Can you hear the crickets! I was speechless! ARE YOU SERIOUS???
To which I respond....you are going to have to give us some time on this one! I will get back with you. And in the mean time...if you guys decide you need to move on and pursue another adoptive option...I totally understand! We agreed to talk in a few weeks.
I sat in my car shaking....how was I going to tell Chris about this. He was not going to handle it well!
His response...."Are you kidding me? I can't process that right now! I need time."
So...time we took...until January!
Is this kid like 3 years old????
August 21st....CPS brough us "TANK". I was home alone that day, as Chris was still at work. In comes the CPS worker carrying an 8 month old "little" boy. Now remember...our only other experience with a child in our home was a newborn....straight from the hospital.
Tank looked....HUGE. He was fussy...he didn't want to be held, didn't want to be put down, didn't want to eat/ drink...and he was HUGE!
Chris got home from work, and I will never forget his face or what he said....as he stood in the garage doorway. "Is that kid like 3 years old or what?" I think we both crapped our pants a little that day...we were so scared! We had NO CLUE what we were doing.
What can he do? How much formula should he be taking? Does eat other food? What size diapers? What is bedtime going to be like? Holy Moly....God...are you sure about this? This wasn't exactly what we were thinking or looking for when we said we wanted a child in our home. We wanted to grow with the child....learn as we went! We are clueless here! HELP!?!?!?!?!?
Well, I'm not going to lie....the first month (at least), was ROUGH! Tank was not easy. He was difficult to console. He screamed often...didn't like to be held. Frustrated easily. We were not having fun...at all. There was more than one conversation about disrupting, as we were NOT going to let foster parenting ruin our marriage. NO WAY!
But...we stayed the course. We worked with Tank, worked with each other, and prayed often for guidance and strength. And as the weeks passed....the days begin to improve. The frustration began to soften. The unconsolable, became consolable. Slowly, with caution and some hesitency, our hearts began to stretch and grow...and as we began to bond with Tank, he became our son!
We knew from the beginning that Tank would probably be a short term placement, and that he would probably go home to his mother. So, even though our hearts had taken him in as our own, we remained mildly guarded with our emotions. We would love him...provide a safe, nurturing home for him, and then return him to his birth mother when deemed safe to do so.
Until November....when the game changed!
Tank looked....HUGE. He was fussy...he didn't want to be held, didn't want to be put down, didn't want to eat/ drink...and he was HUGE!
Chris got home from work, and I will never forget his face or what he said....as he stood in the garage doorway. "Is that kid like 3 years old or what?" I think we both crapped our pants a little that day...we were so scared! We had NO CLUE what we were doing.
What can he do? How much formula should he be taking? Does eat other food? What size diapers? What is bedtime going to be like? Holy Moly....God...are you sure about this? This wasn't exactly what we were thinking or looking for when we said we wanted a child in our home. We wanted to grow with the child....learn as we went! We are clueless here! HELP!?!?!?!?!?
Well, I'm not going to lie....the first month (at least), was ROUGH! Tank was not easy. He was difficult to console. He screamed often...didn't like to be held. Frustrated easily. We were not having fun...at all. There was more than one conversation about disrupting, as we were NOT going to let foster parenting ruin our marriage. NO WAY!
But...we stayed the course. We worked with Tank, worked with each other, and prayed often for guidance and strength. And as the weeks passed....the days begin to improve. The frustration began to soften. The unconsolable, became consolable. Slowly, with caution and some hesitency, our hearts began to stretch and grow...and as we began to bond with Tank, he became our son!
We knew from the beginning that Tank would probably be a short term placement, and that he would probably go home to his mother. So, even though our hearts had taken him in as our own, we remained mildly guarded with our emotions. We would love him...provide a safe, nurturing home for him, and then return him to his birth mother when deemed safe to do so.
Until November....when the game changed!
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